Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers