Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
No, YOUR illiterate.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
good work, detective
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there