Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date