Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
kitchen magnet
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.