Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
🙁
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate