me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Who called it baking and not making love
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.