People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Seems a bit forward
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.