I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Pickled cat.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys