Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.