[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
You Might Also Like
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
mechanics be like
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is