I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’d love this…lol
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.