Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands