Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.