toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.