Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
When he asks for feet pics
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.