Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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A baby bear catches snowflakes.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.