Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
それは草
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.