All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If you鈥檙e smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
You don鈥檛 have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
termite twitter scares me
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a pi帽ata!”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you鈥檝e got enough blankets on you? I can鈥檛 even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I鈥檓 just talking to a pile of blankets, aren鈥檛 I?
Pile of blankets: …
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they鈥檒l find a Nokia still on half battery.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I want you to rub my belly but I鈥檓 going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.