yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.