The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
You Might Also Like
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters