Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.