Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁