Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here