If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.