Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
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“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
lol
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!