The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing