Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”