I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.