Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
#inspiration #foodforthought
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever