Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.