You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”