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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.