[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Room with a view.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wait a second…
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”