[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
You Might Also Like
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’m having an out of money experience.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak