Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
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Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Proctology is located in A55
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.