I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.