Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.