[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You Might Also Like
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.