New Tinder profile.
You Might Also Like
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Think I pulled my liver
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.