I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside