kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
You Might Also Like
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
New tinder profile pic
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
#gardening
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.