If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Are you a cat person or a person person?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job