I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.