[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Pikachu found the lost joint
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.