….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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lost dog
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.