[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today