I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died