an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
That 👊
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.