I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.