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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.